The Good, the Bad and the "Aha" Moment

Since my last post over a month and a half ago, a lot of things have happened in my life. A lot of good things and a lot of not so good things. I am going to try and sum up the time I have been away as best as I possibly can. Be patient with me though. There is a lot of ground to cover.

I think I have actually been avoiding blogging so that I didn't have to face some of the not so good things in my life that I can't control. You see I do not like NOT being in control. Can being a "control freak" be a bad thing? The answer is a resounding yes. For example, when my husband is driving yet staring at some cool muscle car that passes by, not paying attention to the road and I make some kind of comment under my breath...yes. Or when one of the kids opens the window and doesn't straighten the mini blinds just right...yes. Or when the toilet paper roll goes under instead of over...yes. You get the idea.

But I have also come to realize that my control issues are part of the reason I am the person I am today. I have never been one to do drugs because the drugs would control my actions and my body. I have only thrown up once from over drinking (I was on a mission that night let me tell you!!) because I always know my limits and don't want to give them up. It's also the reason why I hate feeling helpless. I want to be in control of myself mentally and avoid that feeling altogether.

Lately life has just not been so kind to me and I have felt pretty helpless. I really don't want to go over all the gruesome details, but suffice it to say, sometimes life just isn't fair. It has been a flurry of personal, financial, kid and friend issues. You can either get over it, move on and be a better person for it or wallow in self-pity. I am sad to say that for the past few months, I have chosen the latter.

But along the way, and especially today, I have had a few "Aha" moments that I want to share.

I decided a while ago that I wanted to lose a few pounds. I am not obese by any means, but I want to be in control of my body, get a little healthier and get rid of this blah I have been carrying around on my mid-section and thighs. So off to the Internet I go. I did some research on several diets and then I discovered the "Flat Belly Diet". Everything I read seemed very positive and the science of it all made sense to me. I called Matt at work and asked him to stop at WalMart on his way home from work and pick up a copy of the book. He called me from the store only to report that they did not have it. Bummer! Needless to say I got busy with work, kids, activities, etc. and I kind of forgot about it. Then few weeks ago, Matt and I went to Sam's Club to look for a new computer and voila, they just happened to have a copy! I brought the book out on my next work trip and began to read. (There's a lot of down time on those red eye flights...everyone is asleep) I enthusiastically read the book and was on Chapter 4 when the author asks you to get out a pencil and do the following before going any further in the book:

"Below, write the names of the most important people in your life."

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________


I wrote down the following:

Matt

Caitlyn

Brendan

My Mom

My sisters and their families

Matt's family

My really close friends

***NOTE: "Aha" moment #1 approaching***

I then turn the page. The author continues:

"Okay. Did you put yourself at the top of the list? Are you even on the list?" ("Aha")

What?!?!? Wow! I never even thought about putting myself on the list let alone at the top. Not even for an instant! Funny huh? I am so busy worrying about everyone else that the self-proclaimed control freak didn't even think of taking control of herself. Putting me first. I returned home from that trip bound and determined to regard myself as highly as I regard other people and take control of my life.

You know what they say about even the best laid plans, right? No such luck. I started the pity party right where I had left off.

Flash forward to today (well technically yesterday seeing it is 4 in the morning) when I decided once again to ignore the tasks that I should have been undertaking today to catch up on some of my TV shows that I had recorded on the DVR. My excuse was that I have this cold/cough thing that is going around. Perfect reason to lie around all day. But an amazing thing happened. I actually had another one of those "Aha" moments. Well actually, three moments, while watching TV. Weird, I know.

I record the Rachael Ray show everyday. What can I say? I like the woman and she inspires me to cook and have family meal time. I watched an episode from earlier in the week where Dr. Phil was a guest. Don't really care for the man, but I decided to watch anyway. And am I glad I did. (NOTE: "Aha" moment #2 approaching) He was talking about marriage and how people are getting married too young and have unreal expectations of marriage and even a general ignorance of what marriage really is all about. He then said that he sees a pattern in people who have been happily married for 10, 20 years. They act as if they have been married for 1 year 10 or 20 times over. ("Aha")

Later I was watching Ugly Betty. In this episode, Betty meets her boyfriend Matt's mother for the first time. The woman is very wealthy and very pretentious so Betty doesn't exactly meet her high standards. Disappointed in the rejection, Betty asks Mrs. Mead for advice on how she can get the woman to like her. (NOTE: "Aha" moment #3 approaching) Her response? Not everyone is going to like you...so get over it. ("Aha")

Also during that same episode, Daniel decides to continue a relationship with his girlfriend Molly even though she has terminal cancer. He is desperate to find a doctor who can help save her life. He locates a doctor who offers to start her on an experimental new treatment. The odds of her survival would be still be less than 10% and the potential side effects of the treatment are horrific. She tells him she doesn't want to go through with it. (NOTE: "Aha" moment # 4 approaching) Later Daniel speaks with Betty and tells her of his disappointment in Molly's decision. Betty tells him to cherish the time he has left with her. He says that he wants more time. She tells him that sometimes a little time is all that you have and you have to live your life to the fullest. ("Aha")

So what have I concluded as a result of all of these "Aha" moments? Well several things.

#1 I am a very lucky woman! No matter what outside influences are affecting my life, I know that I have a wonderful family and a terrific husband. Matt is truly my best friend and we do our darnedest to keep that honeymoon mentality alive even though we have known one another for, oh, 22 years now and have been married for almost 15.

#2 Financial situations come and go. As a family, we are doing everything we possibly can do to not worsen the situation. I have decided that I am not going to stress out about things that are beyond my control.

#3 Kids are kids and family is well, family. Neither are perfect. They are human and they are going to make mistakes. For kids, the difference is in the parenting. Making sure that they learn from those mistakes. I am confident that they have learned some pretty good lessons. For family, you just have to support them.

#4 Friends. Hmmm. This is where we get back to some of my control issues. You see I always want everyone to like me. I also tend to try and "help the strays" if you will. I have a wonderful life and when I see people who are hurting, being treated unfairly or unkindly or not living up to their full potential and taking advantage of this wonderful world we live in, well, I try and step in and make them see what they are missing. I try and fix it. Funny though, some people will just never get it. You know? The glass half full approach. No matter how much you try and do, how much you say, how much you try and help, they are just blind to it. I am done with overextending and overexerting myself to try and make these "blind" people see what is right in front of them. I will point it out once and if they don't see it, oh well. It's their loss.

So that is it. Live like you are dying, love like you have never had your heart broken and dance like no one is watching. The pity party is over and the old Christy is back and taking control once again. For better or worse.